Roy Wood Jr.: Father Figure – Funniest Lines – RANKED

Daily Show correspondent Roy Wood Jr.’s stand-up special, Father Figure, premieres tonight, February 19, 11pm on Comedy Central. Here are the best lines from the show:

8) Roy Wood Jr. explains his respect for airplane captains:

“The captain just comes out after the flight to get some respect on his name. He knows he just did some dope shit. ‘I just flew you at 500 miles an hour at 30,000 feet, I landed this flight in 50 mile an hour crosswinds on the first attempt. I want you to know who your god is…'”

7) About Roy’s visit to the Black History Museum:

“When you have a black tour guide, you gotta catch him at 9 am. He just fished at Mcgriddles, he happy… at 4:30 he liable to cuss out everybody. ‘Look at this shit! Look what you done to us!'”

6) His personal view on Titanic:

“Titanic is not a romantic movie… Titanic is basically a movie about an old lady who got some dick so good she went to the ocean to say goodbye to it.”

5) His take on gangs:

“When I was 20 I obeyed all the gang rules… but now I’m 38. I wanna wear blue. Like, what hood you coming from? Adulthood.”

4) He told us why he cries at civil rights movies:

“Civil right movies get me every time. They get me with the humming and with the black people falling in slow motion.”

3) On routine trips to the supermarket:

“Stop asking me if I’ve got the discount card, if I didn’t pull it out, I DON’T GOT IT!”

2) On why the confederate flag isn’t all bad:

“If we get rid of the confederate flag how will we know who the dangerous white people are?”

1) Wood Jr. imagines a guy late to work because of Black Lives Matter protests:

“‘You’re late again Turner! What’s your excuse this time?’ ‘Sir you won’t believe this shit right here, there was a wall of negroes on the freeway.'”